I didnt know that today is holiday. Idul Adha, they called.
So, after I am reading secretly Ako chat to phone dad, which I learn that Ako in Thailand and will send money to him after she is back, I just send a very last text to Ako.
Pretend to be calling in cellphone with Ako, then I say to my dad to take money from him first before Ako return and sending money. Dad no respond in anything, so I dont know how he feel and whatever, I not interest to look more on that.
Dad is so scare that I touch his phone. I am such a loser and nothing but burden to him. Mom is sick, which she have diarea and I hope Tuesday she will get better too after seeing doctor.
Today, is a day to remember because someone really pity me.
Ako say that I am harassing her, while all I want is asking for help only. She can say no, and I dont understand why she make such of drama. In the end, dad know and nothing good come after it. What is gonna happen on Monday ?
When I checked my bank, there is 500k sending from Anson.
The word that he just say to me is kinda hurtful and really, its hurt and I cant get rid of it.
“Aku sudah kirim yang aku bisa ikhlaskan.”
I reply the text, saying that I will repay him. I dont know, is that my depresion make me think so negattive or what else, but really, that word become something and stronger than a sword to kill me. Right now, I know that I am not that scare if I am die.
If God can feed thousand of people with 5 bread and 2 fish, my problem is nothing at all. Am I have enough faith in him ?
I will really stop harassing people about borrowing, and when that is right, may my dad give me some money.
I dont know why dad doesnt telling brother, so he already is.
Nothing talk about it after dad saying to me to not bother Ako any longer.
Well, even my brother dont trust me anymore. Looks like I am losing the will for living, isnt it ?
Everyone sleep right now. I drink 4 pill of xanax, wishing I am not wake up but God still waking me up. And I am more than wonder, why this website still exist ? I am not paying it yet and its already due more day.
So, what is gonna happen next ?
I dont know, I am so done to asking around anymore and wish, I can be strong enough and not let Satan take me away.
