Should I Stop, or Keep on Going ?

When I was a child, I always wonder how does it felt when I didnt had any money in my pocket. With no job, with only daily income that sometimes have nothing, with a kid and husband to feed, how can I pass the day without any worries ?

As time passby, in my 34+, I know how does it felt. Having home that luck for me because I didnt need to pay rent and electricity, thinking on how pay the loan and feed parent is already confusing. With some debt stay in there, I wonder how can I return it all and start over anything ?

I been trying to earn some money for the last 7 years and all I experience is I keep losing everything that I had less than 2 week. I did know that happen because of my own greed, and never learn even after fail for 6 years ?
I am clever in a stupid and idiot ways.

Just 2 month left, and 2027 will come.
Make it become 7 years of experience that make me think, either I am stop, or I keep going on ?
Fight my own guilt after losing everything, fight the evil and greed that always come in the ways.

I do have a ticket to Manila and Bangkok in May, which I earn it with sins. I really want to go, and I dont know yet how and can I ? Leaving mom with dad surely is sad, but I also need a little healing for myself, after spending a lot of time in home, stressing, and taking care of mom.

I plan to save $2000, if I can get that amount, then the trip is mostly will happen.
There is 7 people left to be paid back, and I do wish, I can pay it all this years, but its seem impossible for me.

I losing everything, and I did know who is staying until the very end, it was my family.
Many guilt, many sad feeling and pain that I keep deep inside my heart and mind, I pretend to be happy all day, and I do know that God always be here with me, and protect me, no matter what I am doing.

If I can make the trip to Bangkok and Manila, I do wish I can spend time by feeling free, a very different one from the last time I went to Bangkok, with a lot of pressure, and stress out.

And I do hope, I can also go to Vietnam as well.
Vietnam, Laos and even Myanmar ?
I really do wish that I can earn $100 everyday start from 15 later, and I wish, that I am not let guilty take over of my life anymore.

So, what gonna happen and what will I do ?
I didnt want to quit because deep down I know, if I do things right, I can make it better in the end of the day.

Keep on going, no matter how impossible it was.
Because, when God let it happen, there is always a ways, even it was impossible.

Why ?
I experience it before, when I cant back from Thailand to Indonesia, without any money, I try to call 1 people that already lend me a lot, and you know what ?
She send it to me without questioning.

I wonder, if she know the truth, are she gonna be mad at me and block me forever from her life ?
Never in my life, finding 2 people like that.