Are Things Will be Different ?

New month in October 2026, I remember when I am in Cambodia last years, having some cash in pocket and waiting my first salary ever. As same as today, just same cash in pocket and little money in bank account, and waiting for 15.

What does the different ?
I cant sleep very long, and I need to spend extra energy looking for my mom and listen to my bad dad word everyday.
Is the life was a bless or tragedy ?

Today I make chicken soup and fried egg, which I know tomorrow I need to plan buying some food outside. I know the reason I keep doing trade is because I wanna pay off all the debt that I had, which lead me into had nothing and unpaid amount as well.

What gonna happen next ?
I wonder, with this conditions, with this loneliness and shameless life, with this kind of family circle, can my life really change into better, or is there even a future in it ?

Deep down I know, this is like a karma when my mom was healthy, I always never had time for her. And now, with her conditions, I know how does it feel, with a long grieve and regret and I start to forget who she was actually.

I stop praying to God, no matter I know how much He loves me and protect me until today.
What do I believe in ? Why my life goes wrong and wrong, is there even a turn back ?

Do I mad at myself ?
Yes, I am mad because I spend a lot of time with people rather than my mom in her good time.
And now, all I had is me and my family that I ignore and being shy for before.

Seeing mom spending time at home, sometimes ride motobike with me around and sleeping all day.
Do she even know what she doing anymore ?
How does she felt ?

Its sad, actually. Alzheimer is a cruel desease that torture her, and the rest of family who taking care of her too.
And I know, deep down, she didnt want to be one of them, but its happen.
Only if I care and aware and never do what I been do 7 years ago, is things gonna be different now ?

A lot of regret, a time, a energy and a money that I spend to people that now not even was there for me.
The more that I regret it, the more I hate myself, and the more I try to make a peace to my own life go on.

How this story gonna end ?
How long I want myself keep living like this ?