The Day that Keep Passby

Been a long time, all is same and some of things get worse, especially my mother conditions.
She is hardly to connect, sleep more than 10 hours and get angry so quickly.
Not as strong as some month before, and spend time sitting, thinking nowhere.

I also the same, a ittle light to fix some problem, little by little, bit by bit, but in the end, keep ending up in same conditions as well.
I been thankful that I can work from home, from now, even it is scary as hell.

Looking at mom, try spend time that I lost with her when she is normal and had energy.
I regret a lot of things, which I know that I cannot fix it as well.
The greatest regret become the greatest lesson that I had in this life.

I always wondering, what is on her mind ?
How alzheimer people thinking, and how does it felt ?
Not to being pathetic, but I really losing everything in life, and the time that I realize it, seem like it was “too late”

I know that regretting it wouldnt change anything. Past should be a great lesson and stay in the past as well.
But, everytime I seem my mom, there is something inside me that broke, and I cant fix it no matter how hard I been trying.

I stop praying for more than a month now, because I am losing faith, but deep down I know, that God always be with me and protect me no matter how hard the situations is, no matter how impossible it seem.
Am I worth it for that kind of love ?

Day by day keep passing by, mom didnt get better but bit worse everyday.
Keep working 12 hours and hope I can earn a little bit from side job, paying some debt little by little and there is 7 people left. I been so thankful that those is understanding.

I may be silly, but I do wonder what gonna happen next ?
Maybe this is a karma for what I am doing in the past ?
Maybe this is a lesson that I cannot get anywhere except experience it myself ?

Yellow shirt, grey pants, she stand near the window, try to close everything, and I wonder, what is on her mind right now ?
I want to cry out loud, but I dont know what I need to feel, silly ? guilty ? pain ? sad ? madness ?

Surely I cannot go back to the past, I cant fix what I do wrong in that time.
And no matter how hard I want to try make it better, the future seem very limited to me, and I hate everything in that.

Old parent, midlife crisis, no friend, no family, no saving.
And I still breath until today.
Isnt it amazing ?

I do wonder, why God keep me until today ?
If I can count, there is almost nothing that I do good in this life.

What is the purpose of my life ?

The day just keep passing by,
Where it will lead me, and what end is waiting for me ?