How It Feel to Beg ?

I never expect that my life will end up by begging everyone in my list to lend me money. If you ask me how does it feel, it feel like hell and knowing you didnt have anyone else to help you is another hell that you should face.

Begging, crying, no matter what you say and do, nothing was matter anymore.
In the end, all left is nothing except the will that you really want to get up from your mess and show them you can once again being a more better person.

Ruining my own life, I felt like … I dont even know how to express my feeling.
What matter for me ?
Lying about everything, telling my parent was die, working as scammer and what else ?

I am 34 years, no asset, no money, no decent job and a lot of loan that need to be paid.
If you ask me, do I want to live, I dont think I really want to live.

Self harming, self blaming. I am thinking that if I never start the trade, would everything change and better ?
One things I know for sure, we always start from nothing but… In my case..
I dont even know what I should call it.

Imagine that you had 100 person in your list, and you only had less than 1 or maybe nothing and nobody that willing to help you. Everyone just as scare as you can imagine.

Begging, crying, is your life still wonderful ?
I am wonder, how long I can keep being like this ?
Do I tired and hate myself, yes I am, in a very madness ways.

Its a small amount and everyone around me really make me feel very small.
I begging again and again and all I have is a silent, and block in the end of the day.
Do I deserve it ?
Why I do live like this ?

2 people, or maybe 3 may help me.
And the rest ?
I just wish, new month in July, everything can change to be better.

I dont know and I didnt had anything anymore.
So, what can I do and say is just that, may life treat me more better than what I am experience now.