Ashamed of My Own Life

Being too much positive around, but when it come to myself, I felt so ashame for almost everything.
I am in my 34, with no permanent job, not knowing how to make living.
Wandering around in some country.

I dont even know how I can pass everyday in other side, if that is not because of God grace in my life as well.
Build it, and ruin it in the second, like I usualy do.
Being a person that never learn anything at all.

When night come, when I lay down in bed in nowhere, I think that all I want to do is drink a lot of pill and wish that I didnt need to wake up again in the next morning.
I wondering, why I always think like that.

I am in my way from Nan back to Bangkok, and I find a good cafe, with the water flow sound, a soft music, a free internet with 1 cup of coffee. Sit here, write a things that I may mean it, or maybe not at all.

I questioning myself, again and again.
What is wrong with me, and I really mean it this time.
Looking happy, go here and there.
Am I really happy on my own ?

Everytime I think about what I done, from the last past 5 – 6 years, I think I am the one that really ruin my life as much as I can imagine.
Being a person that never learn anything at all.

When I look into my old parent, a brother that once love me very much, and thinking what happen if they know what I am actually do, I felt so broken. Ashamed on everything, in this age, I dont even know should I call myself as human at all.

Trying to be happy, I am the one who create my own hell and the more I try to get out from it, the more I felt into it until I didnt know how to get out from this darkness at all.
Being alone, have nothing, do nothing.
Isnt life supposed to be beautiful ?

Too lonely that make me reply a chat within a minute or even a second, to happy when someone talk with me and make me like talk it all out and didnt notice they may feel not comfortable at all.
I dont even have a idea about what I am doing and how it should be at all.

So, what decisions I gonna make ?
What will happen when I back home without nothing ?
What happen if I keep staying out ?
What really happen whn I decided to stop this living ?