Burnout, Leaving & The Decisions

Staying home, watching for mom and seeing her progress that turn bad more day, I am draining very much emotionally.

I wanna go far aways, even I am worried about her, somehow, seeing her progress turning bad is another level of sadness for me.

Avoiding grief, avoding emotional caregiver burnout, I dont even know which is good or bad anymore. I just sad, and for those who didnt know how does I felt, its like, I wana be there, but I need to maintance my sanity as well.

Is going to Bangkok is my right decisions ?
I questioning myself, a lot. Which I didnt like to do, but I doing it.
Pack bag, nowhere and not even sure anymore.

Its Saturday, and since I was back home for almost 2 week, I experience a lot about how my mom change. I also proud of myself, because I can catch up with her since 2023, before I am leaving in almost the end of 2025.

A home is a place that I can feel safe. I do love stay home, but not in here anymore.
Its not because my previous work change me, but I think I can find my self in other place rather than in here. Am I gonna survive it ?

People think and see me as a person that maybe not care and how can I even leaving when my mom turning bad. But as for me, I try to kep myself sane, because I know that taking care of her will burn me into hell, its like burnout and double the sadness, to see her progress that turn bad everyday and time.

I know that leaving my mom with my dad is not a good decisions, and sometimes, or more often, I can see my brother went into fight with my dad as well because of my mom mater as wel.
Am I being egoist ? I wonder myself as well.

If I go in the end of month, and if the job resume and I decided to give it another years, am I gona regret it as well ? After what happen, all I want to fell is like being alive once again, after everything. That is all the matter, isnt it ?

So, pack my little bag, wish I pas immigrations well.
I dont know what gonna happen next, where do I go and things in future.
I just, I really want to be a good writer, capture momment, share it and make a living from it.

And what I wanted the most is just,
I escape the reality and I wish time pass and, I dont know what to say, just wish what I do right now is not the things that I gonna regret later.