Sunday morning, force myself to wake up after drinking sleeping pill. Going to church, and what is the pastor say today is kinda relate to my own life right now.
What I am expect God to do ? I always asking, asking and asking, and I rarely be thankful for what he been done to me.
I dont know what tomorrow gonna bring me, am I gonna wake up, and I gonna fix my problem ? Its scary but I just dont want to drown into sadness. I have a God who try to reach me, and this point, I am really surendder everything to Him.
I want to get a space in PAM, yes I am also scare because there is a lot of people that dont like me. There is also a people who once or more I am asking for help, and they just ignore me. May I say hi, or I pretend to not see them ?
I am shy, both to human and God. I spend my 5 years to doing the same mistake and repeat the circle, with a hope that I am gonna make it, but I just not. What I should do when I meet people ? What I am gonna do in my solo line ?
God, I dont know what is gonna happen. If I can get space, or if I am not. I am so done in my life, try to get peace with my past and wishing that I can do better each day without repeating the same circle over and over again.
Can you find me, God ?
Please rescue me because I dont know which way and path anymore. I need your guide, and I really want you to fix me, to be whole again. Keep me calm, keep me safe, and using me to share your work in my life.
Some people say different word about me, some saying that I am not have a friend because I am toxic. I dont really care about that anymore, and I think if I get the space, I just need to read book and wish that I can sell well in those 3 day.
Nobody know what is gonna happen next, are we ?
In the end, there is only emptyness inside my heart that I tried to cover.
There is a broken heart and life, that I wish I can fix it before I am turning 33.
There is a wish, that I can at least, fix my mistake and make my family proud before its too late.
There is only a wish, that I am making the different things and do better to feel alive, once again.
