Its been a long time since the last time I am write in computer again. How I miss to having laptop on my own back then ? Its so tired but I know that somehow, I am gonna make it in the right time, because I believe and I wanna believe that God hold me by my right hand, and He will never let me go and fall.
What make me worry right now ? The loan that I couldnt pay yet ?
A life that I dont know where will lead me in the end ? Or what ?
I am already losing everything, and I already in a deep hole, but still, I am trying to climb it bit by bit.
Climb it, fail. Climb it again, fail again.
This whole tiime, I really looking dor some human hand that will come and rescue me in this hole. But all is nothing because there is none anymore. So, I am only let God decided which way I should go, and I just keep writing about my day, until the day that I might stop writing there.
Am I scare ? Yes, I am scare.
But, its doesnt change anything that already happen, isnt it ?
I better enjoy each day that left for me, than worry about the things that I dont know and I cant change.
Regret in the past ?
Sometimes, I feel that. But I also cant change that too.
Sitting there, writing my day.
Looking at mom who reallly dont know much anymore.
I am wonder, what is inside her mind ? What are she thinking ?
She love to get out, and I am just useless because I had no money to take her out.
Also, its side for her age to ride in motorcycle.
Well, what is gonna happen this Monday ?
I just keep making mistake ? No, I dont think so too.
I dont know what is gonna happen today, am I gonna losing everything, again ?
Or I can make it out ?
Its scary, but I really want to trying to keep calm.
Isnt this life is already like a living hell ?
Why I should worry for the things that I know that I am already ruin it ?
Just keep living up and look where its gonna take me.
In the end, everything just gonna be OK.
Keep doing the same, keep repeat the same circle. Its never end, isnt it ?
Being a jobless, with the hope that I can earn some money by writing and doing some scalping. This morning is so hurtful momment, and I keep and try to be calm.
Is this gonna be the end of everything ?
Or, what else will happen ?
Like the pastor say, try to be calm in every situations. I just dont want to repeat all the same again and again because its a endliess torture. I just want to make it, even I am dumb enough to learn, I just really want to stop repeat the circle. Its never end. And I am so ashame of it.
If I can be honest, I already ruin my life. I losing my car which I get with working hard. I losing everything because of my stupidity. I jobless and have a lot of debts, even my family and brother hate me and not trust me anymore. I have nobody to talk and asking help, except pray to God.
I have nothing anymore, and what make me worry ?
I am using brother old phone and his tab. I am living with parent, which at least I still have rice and egg and blanket to sleep on.
I already mess up, and to fix my life, its up to God.
I am in the fase that I dont know what is gonna happen in my future anymore, and I just want to let God take control of everything. Even I am not see it how and when and where, I just, want to be calm, and trust everything in God.
What gonna happen today ?
I dont know because I have no idea.
After everything, I just still breathing, and that is already more than enough.
I just want to talk my day, how I feel and I know, one day I will write the story about how God saving my mess up life in a unexpected way.
Take a deep breath, be thankful for today.
Gonna be worse, or gonna be better ?
God know what I feel and what I only left, and yet, He still love me.
Everything, is happen for a reason.
My act, my mistake, my stupidity.
He know everything. From my good to my worse. How I felt when I lie, how I felt when I have no choices. how I am dealing with everything when I am running away.
Its not gonna be easy, but deep down, I know that I am gonna make it.
I will make it, because He promises me. That the future is real, and my dream will never faded away. He promises me, that when the time is right, He, the Lord, will make it happen. He promises me, no matter that everyone have left me and abadone me, he still there, he hold me by my right hand.
In that, I dont want to be worried, no matter how scare I am today.
