Its Tuesday, and its almost end of April. More I try to fix problem, more I am sink really deep into ocean. I am asking around, and only God, that give me his mercy and touch someone heart, so they help me.
Mawar working and have salary below UMR. Yes, she help me. Yenni, who always rejected everytime I ask, suddently help me and say that I am not neet to pay her back. Which I am just losing it, again.
This morning, I am dare to ask Fenny again, and I also chat her husband because I dont want her husband getting mad or else, and what suprise me is, she helping me and saying that I am actually no need to chat her husband.
From all people that I know, she is the one and only one who keep helping me. Yes, sometimes she refuse but most of all, she help me. Especial in my very live or death momment. God sending me people to help me, and yes I am keep making a mistake again and again.
I am tired, and I know when I try as hard as I can to get out, I just sink pretty deep. I keep doing that, and its left me nothing in the end. I cant fix my problem, I make more problem, everybody left and avoid me, and that is it.
Keep repeating the circle, keep wondering with a word, what if.. what if ..
Even Army mad at me, I think.
I am so ashame, I cant say how I really feel because I feel nothing at all anymore.
I want to get out from this financial strunggle, and I just keep walking in the circle.
I forget how its feel when I have no debt. When I can buy what I like, can drive around city. Because, now everyday is like a war inside myself. I screaming for help, I crying inside and I am dying slowly.
I want nothing more, nothing except to survive and feeling alive once again.
Is that hard ? If I am keeping to live like this and now, I know that I wouldnt surviving.
If one person can save my whole life, I know that God can do more than that too.
