Burnout Care Giver

Day by day passed, deep down I know that I can control myself, but lately I think I really hurt my mom as much as I can, and I really not proud of that at all.

Maybe this is what they call “burnout”, but I try my best, my very best to be patient.
Seeing mom that didnt know anything anymore, screaming, get mad, and sometimes dad and brother also mad at her, I shouldnt mad to her too.

I dont know, seeing her like this, there is a lot of regret inside my head and heart, and I dont know how to express it at all. Only regret, only keep asking myself, what if what if, and that is so pathetic.

Last night, the person that read and help is Stella, and I wish, really wish I never ever sending those kind of text anymore.
No matter how long it will take time, no matter how hard it would be, I just want this to end, and really I know, mom conditions cant be cure but at least, I can had a lot of patient

I wondering, if I always stay with her, take her out when she is healthy, will things being different right now ?
Losing a lot of people, which I grateful and sad in same time, losing trust in family, staying alone, working 12 hours from home while looking at mom.

Is this sadness gonna find the end, or I am the one that will face my end when I turn 35 next years ?

I buying ticket, without plan and just want to grab my bag and go.
Am I gonna make it, is that a right things to do ?
I keep asking myself and even I dont know what gonna happen, I just know I will do it.

I feeling so sorry for my mom, and I hate myself as much as I cant even put it in word anymore.
Trying to let past stay in the past, this time, can I really gonna change and be better ?