Same Circle, Same Greedy

Where should I start my day ?
Same things, same story, keep repeating in same circle over and over again. Greedy ruin everything good in my life.

I do wish that I can help a one last chances to start over, but its seem everything is also over.
Now waiitng 11 day, with 2 things due tomorrow, affect my credit, and 2 other new added list.
Is this gonna end, or not at all ?

Thanks God, I do had earn a little bit last month, and I really wish after September 15, I didnt live in greedy again and ruin the rest of my life for nothing.
I am tired, a real tired because of my own damn stupidity for the 6 years but I didnt want to give up too.

Many dream, without friend, without anyone to talk and ask anymore.
I wonder, what make my life turn upside down and keep drown like this ?
Its greedy.

Today, I let out a lot of anger to my alzheimer mom, which I know it was bad and I also regret it.
I keep holding up all the feeling, and I do wish that I can do things differently, but I cant go back in the past.

What gonna happen ?
Can I really survive this 11 day and start over everything again and be better after that ?
I wonder myself.

Its not fair, if all my story is about how painful and sad my life was.
But, I do really want to get out from this circle, and build my life, a real one.

There is nothing more that I wish rather than be a better version of myself.
I felt so late, but I just dont want to stop and giveup.

I dont know, deep down my own voice told me to end everything.
But here I am, still write, still think and still want to try to make it be better.
Am I gonna be in that point ?

Or, maybe I will die when I reach 35 like what I been dreaming of ?
I wonder about it, and I really tired of what I been doing until today.