Hal apa yang membuatmu merasa sedih ?
Apakah saat kehilangan, atau saat tidak mendapatkan sesuatu yang kamu inginkan ?
Aku selalu berusaha terlihat sempurna dan bahagia, but I know there is one things that make me pretty sad and I didn’t know how to fix it.
MAKE SOMEONE DISAPPOINTED ON ME !
Kadang rasanya egois jika berpikir bahwa diri kita adalah bagian yang tersakiti. Ketika kita tinggal dilingkungan negative, ketika kita memiliki orangtua yang suka berkelahi dan tidak peduli terhadap apapun yang terjadi dengan anak mereka kecuali perdebatan mereka, ketika kita merasa bahwa kita tidak memiliki keluarga yang sempurna dan ketika kita merasa bahwa we are all alone.
I always think that everything will be OK if I pretend that I didnt know or hear a things everytime my parent fight each other. My dad is always mad on mom, and mom always say a things that never really happen. The fight and rude word to each other, I never try to stop them and I pretend that I am ok with that, but I am not.
Then, I had a problem that I cant fix or tell my family. I know they only mad at me and do nothing except mad on me or say a rude word again and again. I try to fix a things by stole my dad money and I think that would be OK, he wouldn’t remember how much money he had and I make my day pass without thinking about it.
I think what I am doing is right since we never really talk or eat together at table like other family. It was sad and I don’t know how to express it more than now. I feel jealous when I saw other family dinner and I feel mad when I saw my family is a mess inside.
I mad to myself and I don’t care anymore about anything.
But, now I know.
More I pretend that I didn’t care, more the pain I felt.
One day, my dad goes to bank to took money and there is a limit on hes amount. He wonder and print hes book. He then saw hes money got stolen by hes daughter and didn’t say a word to me.
He talk to my mom, of course ! But, he didn’t mad or say anything to me at all.
To be honest, at that point it torture me much than I ever think.
He tell my brother when he was home but not speak a word with me.
I don’t know why he didn’t tell me but I just feel more and more sad.
I didn’t know what to do or how to face him but it was a deep pain inside my heart.
I scream, I cry inside and I didn’t know how and when things between us can get better.
My brother didn’t mad too. He just tell me to fix it and never do that again. Mom also say the same.
And all I feel is madness and sadness. The feeling that I never feel before.
We barely talk, I never do a father daughter things with him and it was sad.
I really have a problem and create a big mess and I just didn’t know how to fix it by myself.
I am doing the stealing to pass the day and hope he not notice but now he know.
I make him really sad and I know it. Even I want to pretend once again that I didn’t care, I just cannot do that anymore.
I mad to myself and I cry inside.
I make him feel very disappointed and I don’t know why my head can’t get it together. Like the piece of myself gone even he say that is OK or it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t repay him.
I just feel pretty mad inside and pain.
All is pain.
Not talking, not looking but still sleep in same roof.
I just wish this year is the last year that I spend living together with my family.
I didn’t know where to go or how to start all over but I just can’t take it anymore.
I am a mess and I make him feel bad and sad.
Even I never had a father figure my whole life, I just know that what I am doing is bad and unforgiveable.
I just want to let it pass and let myself find a peace.
I am lose since I was child and little lose like that will be pass sooner too.
I just want to start all over and be a better me in future.
Try to do my best to fix what I am ruin even I didn’t know how.
I will keep this madness, this sadness and this pain all inside my heart.
I will seal all my feeling just for myself.
