Is This Karma from the Past ?

If I can say even a only word, is this karma that I need to pass because when I was young, I always ignore my mother ?
Taking care of alzheimer mom, while trying my best to make it alive and change my life, I am feel so damn tired and full of regret.

I dont know what to say, everyday felt same.
The different is just my mom mood, sometimes she normal, most of the time she went like not her self.
I am wonder, am I gonna end up die, or I can make through it ?

Lies here and there, work as a scammer.
I have a so damn life, and I dont know what to call my veryself.
Everyone look down at me, some of my best friend not longer being my friend.

I lie only to ask for some help, which make me realize, they not even care and only some of them that really actually kind and care.
The people that I think will gonna be there for me, turn out to be a person that hurt me and look down at me.

I missing my old mom, the mom that not agresive like this, and the mom that still recognize things around. A mom that right now act berserk, a mom that hardly know me and scream all day and hit her own self.
I am wonder, what my life gonna be ?

I stop praying when I wake up, I stop pray when I am about to sleep.
Do I lose all my trust in God ?
But still, Jesus love me as much as I cant imagine.

I didnt know how to felt,
I didnt know what do I want because my life is suck and I been fuck up a lot.

So, how this life gonna be ?
A much better, or being worse and end up in dying ?

I do miss my old mom versions, and if you ask me about how much I regret about it ?
I have a ton of regret and I try to be positive and be thankful, because even I was tired, God listen and fulfill my pray.
I can work from home and company my mom and that is it.