When I think my money will be gone, there is a hope and miracle. Somehow, I just keep surviving and not lend any money to people from now. I wish that I can continue doing that, and I really wish that I can be better. Half years already passed, its hard, and I lose everyone.
Trust is like a glass, and I am really broke it into piece. Until today, even my 4ku not reply to my chat. Are he even listen to it ? I am wonder, how deep the hurt and pain that I am causing to him ? Like old people say, you’re no matter anymore when you have nothing left.
I dont know how long I can fix the problem and pay off all the debt, but I really working on it, bit by bit. I just wish that everything gonna be OK, I can pay it all off, and surely, I can buy a car, take mom in roadtrip, and at least, I can make parent proud even it is just a bit.
Its gonna be a long journey, and even I dont know what is gonna happen next, I try really hard to deal with the past. I miss my car, I miss my laptop, I miss almost everything that I have lost in the past 5 years. I even lose myself and I am not love myself anymore.
I also wonder, always wonder. Why God still help me and love me, when I dont even know how to love myself anymore ? I really dont know but I hope that bit by bit, I can love me, much better each day. I wish that my parent is healthy, and I can make them proud, at least, once.
So, whatever that is gonna happen, I put all my trust in God, and I really wish that He will guide me into a better person. Better life, and really better and new me. And I hope one day, I can share my story to other people, so they know that they’re not alone.