Does it matter anymore ? About what I am gonna saying ?
Does it matter ? When before I speak, the word that I heard is lying and lying and lying ?
I am wonder, does my life matter anymore ?
Last Thursday is the last time I am sending chat to Ako. When Ako telling dad in chat, I just use his phone to reply, something like :
“Are you need money ?” – Ako
“No, but my daughter need it.” – Dad
As simple as that.
In Friday, dad asking me how much money I ask from Ako, and I am telling him. In Monday morning, dad saying that Ako will send it in Wednesday, then give me 3jt cash. That is it, I think there is everything and nothing will happen, since it was the last time I am ever asking.
But, out of the blue, yesterday afternoon when dad back home, he really angry.
Saying that I am keep annoyed Ako, saying I am using his phone to borrow money, and a lot of old stuff, which I really dont send anything at all.
Brother saying that I am heartless, I am wonder, why he even asking when all he say is lying, lying, lying. I just dont want to say anything anymore and that is it. I know my answer is no matter, since all they think is that I am lying. Isnt it ?
I also get a voice note from Ako, which I am listening again and again and again. Isnt it hurtful ?
I asking her help because I dont want to be a burden to dad, and all she doing is make a lot of mess, mixing stories, make things real mess and I am in the wrong side, asking help is wrong.
They say that I saying I wanna going suicided if they dont bring me money. The truth is I saying it last years when I am running away. I am not saying that but.. whatever, it doesnt matter anymore because they wanna believe what they see and believe in.
Brother saying to got test narcotic with me, which I am not do any drug. I will not asking help if therer is nothing more serious will happen, which I know that will cause problem again. And here I am, become a worthless person and everything just doesnt matter.
That night, only mom come in my room and check in on me. She pick something in floor, give to me saying that she already clean it. Saying not to borrow money from people anymore, saying to have a good night sleep.
If that long night have any reason to me to not drink a lot of sleeping pill, it is because of my mom. Otherwise, everything gonna be in a side way. And I thank God for that. Why he keep me again and again, while I know that I am just a worthless person ?
From the rest of my whole life, this is a real brutal momment in everything. This website is the only place that I can write and share it inside, while I know this may be gone too because I am not paying the due bill.
What left in me ?
Its nothing. And all I can say is doesnt matter anymore.
So, all I can say is nothing, its OK and nothing at all.
And that is who I am become.
