I have that feeling, even I dont know why, I am checking dad phone and finding that there is a chat that sending to my dad. I foward it to my phone, and while I am panic, I delete the whole chat and blocking it again.
I shouldnt delete it, am I ?
Then, I am reply the chat from that phone, delete everything in it and blocking it, once again.
My hand was shacking, I am scare but I just have no choices anymore.
I feel so ashame, I feel so useless.
I feel no human, and I hate me, for breathing.
I am wonder, in afternoon, I look that my dad sitting alone in front of house. He been thinking. He dont say any word to me, and now I know the reason. Somehow, its hurt me, but I really have no choices because I have nobody to ask anymore.
I am wonder, what is God plan for me ?
The more that I want to make dad proud, the more that I hurt thim in so many ways. I hate it, I really hate it. I wish that I can turn back time, but I just cant do that.
I prepare everything. Suicided note, how I am gonna end my life.
I thtnk, after I take my mom to check in doctor, I am gonna end my life.
And what happen ? The schedule changes because the patient is already full book.
God work in so many ways, and I am wonder, why God still keeping me around ?
The morning will be the horror one, when dad using phone and if he text Ako again. I am wonder, what is gonna happen ?
I am wonder, how long I can keep go on like this ?
The reason for me to keep living, the reason I keep breathing.
Ako say to dad that I am harassing her. I know it, but I am doing it because I really need a help. What gonna happen next ?
I am wondering, am I gonna make and put a big pain in dad heart ?
The dad that I hate before, the dad that still love me a lot ?
I wish, this is the last time I am screaming for help. The last time that I am doing this and make my dad sad and sad and sad and sad and sad. I am such a disappointed child, and the more that I try to make things better, I just ending up make things worse.
I am also wonder. I am late and due for paying this website and I am still can write and open this one. Why ? Its never happen before and now I am sure that maybe God have His own plan to my life. Continue write my daily, and wish what I am been through can help people outside there.
I really wish nothing but all the good next day.
I really wish that dad not disappointed more than now, and I can make dad proud one day.
I know I doing a lot of wrong things, and I really hope that this time, this very time, may God bless everything and help me to be a better version of me as well.
