Its almost midnight, and its also the first time I am write this post. My eyes wanna shut down but my heart keep racing fast. I am mad, I am sad, I dont know how to feel anymore because brother become so rude to me lately.
I try to enjoy myself by playing game and he keep talking about number. I cant answer it right because I cant thinking well. He keep forcing to answer and its really annoyed. I am mad, and I am also sad but I dont say anything except try to think and answer.
Thankfully, mom come out and asking another questions. He get out with mom from my room. Since I know he become so rude, I decided not to tell everything anymore. Its better to make a lie than telling the truth, because the answer will be the same, same rude.
I lose my chances to get 20$ and I decided not to sleep sooner. Wishing to get that in mid night, but I am not expect too much too.
My life is already ruined, and thanks God, he keep me alive until today.
I am mad, I am tired.
I really want to end this life, but there is always another chances, another reason to stay alive too. I am mad, I am sad enough and I regret a lot. I try to make peace with my past but sometimes, Its torture me a lot.
I dont know what to feel anymore. Its OK, when I know that I am not having any friend, but at least, I just hope my brother would be nice, even a little.
I try to ask him, to help me buy a pen ink, and he refuse that too. Isnt it sad ?
I know that I may cause a lot of harm. My actions is bad and I hurt him a lot. But, everything that I do to him in the past, is also killing me deeper and deeper. I dont have a choices and I am scare, and what can I do ?
I dont even know what is real anymore, and I cant talk about it to someone.
I am screaming inside, try to get out from this body. I hate myself a lot, and I try to make peace with myself. I take mom to eat noodle when I got some little money, and everytime I look at her, I am sad, and the past come back and hunting me.
After all, I decided to not telling anything anymore. My problem, my financial which is minus, and everything. Its useless and its just hurt me back. The truth, the lie, all will be the same. Its better to keep everything to myself, and try my hard to surpass it.
What is gonna happen next ?
I just wish, that I can be more stronger and wisher before I am turning 33 sooner.
I am old enough, and also mess up my life much much much and deeper.
I wish in my third season, I can surviving it and become the new me.
