I think that I am gonna make it different in 2025, but its look like all is same and maybe become more worse. Idk, I just really tired and upset in myself, and I keep trying until there is no more chance to try anymore.
All my friend avoid me, my sibling doesnt help and ’cause more problem. Even my brother didnt care anymore. I have no asset, I have nothing in my age that is about 33, the age that I think I am gonna be success, but I am just not.
I beg to lend some money, I try to get some extra but I am ending up losing it all again.
I have no job, I have nobody anymore. I am wonder, why God keep waking me up every morning even after I drink much pill before sleep ?
I always think to hang myself. If I can turn back 5 years ago, is there gonna be different ?
A different choices, a different friend and life. A different path.
I wish that I can spend more time with my mom if I am really back into it.
I cant keep looking back, but somehow I just imagine that happy momment. I never expect that my future gonna be like this too. I hate myself, a lot than anything, and yet I am still breathing.
Prisca doesnt text me anymore. She doesnt open my DM lately, so I decided to unsend it too.
Is something new she heard ?
Well, I dont want to text her too, and I just really want to using Fenny last help to make things better.
I am so ashame to Fenny. She help me a lot again and again, and I honestly doesnt dare to ask her more than now. No matter how I try to asking help to other, nobody was there and only Fenny that come and help me out of blue.
Waking up every morning, buy some meat and vegetable with the money that I have. Scare about the debts and still hoping that I can repay all of it this years.
Doing nothing except cooking, write my daily day and watching all alone.
Its lonely and its sad.
Its Tuesday, its April.
What change ? Nothing.
My debt become more bigger, and I finally know that I cant hope from other people anymore.
Lets God do His job and magic in my life.
If I look closer, I know there is no hope anymore for my life and my future.
Even everything seem so dark, and all day that I can think is how to suicided, I still breathing and waking up. God still working in my life.
What is the problem then ?
Its how I see the problem. Satan really make sure I am depress and choose the simple way to get out by killed myself.
And why I am not ?
Idk, because every time I think that I wanna die, there is always someone come and help. Even after I beg for the help.
Its sad, actually.
But its also show me how much God love me.
Can everything really change then ?
Even it was dark, even it is full of uncertainty,
I know that God walk with me.
He never broke His promises.
I am the one who broke it, and yes, He pick me up again and again.
He is not tired to build me up.
