22 day already past since I start 2025 with a full of hope in God and future that will come. This feel like roller coaster, that will make me happy, or scare to die.
Well, nothing special happen yet, but I do wish that I can stay still and become more stronger each day.
This morning, I heard a rude word from my brother. Cant blame him too because it was right. I hate it but that is my past that I try to forget. The scare is still here and the pain is real. If onlly I can get everything out from my chest and heart, maybe I will become better ?
Its hard to keep survive, even with a little margin that I have now. But, I dont want to lose hope and I really want to be wise enough to make every move. If I am fail once again, I know that I have nobody anymore that can help me. It was scary but its also my only things that can help me survive each day. No less and no more, just in the middle.
How its feel when our life is like in ocean ?
I cant swim, I can float for a long time. Every time I can die and nobody will know it. I never imagine that my life turning out like that, but I really wish, that before I am turning into 33, I reallly can release some problem and feel more alive than before.
I have many chance to do better and fix my problem, but I am not learning until I already have nothing. I wait for the event, but it seem not come anymore, and if they come, I am wonder, can I have the part of it ?
More about it, I know that I also have nobody around anymore. Its better to not have friend, so I didnt have enemy too in the end.
I wake up, going to buy some vegetable, cook and write how my day passed without anything special. I watch, make a review, then wait until my eyes tired and sleep. Is this what the life that I love and dream of ?
Or am I just a walking corpse with a lot of dream and hope for future ?
I dont know which is better, but all I still trying to do is breath, fixing problem and be more and more better each day.
Am I tired ?
Yes, I am tired.
But, I also know that God didnt bring me this far just for me to end it with pain and sadness.
He have a plan, and I just need to stay still, trying again and again because in the end, there will be a happy ending waiting on me.
People say that I am bad, really bad and need to see some help.
I dont know, maybe they’re right ?
But most of all, I dont care anymore because for me, can survive each day is more than enough.
I am worried, and I try to put all my worries in my prayer.
I am not working, but I try to make some money with what I have left.
Can I rebuild my life, I always wonder.
After I sink pretty deep and nobody lend me a ship anymore, can I sail this broken ship into shore ?
What it gonna be ?
Sank in the middle of ocean, or I can finally make it even it take more than decades ?
I know that is a phase of life, and mine is bad enough because I am the one who ruining it from the first page. I keep turning the new page and ruining it with black ink, wishing there is something that can clear the page but I just wrong. Now, with the little page that I have in my book, I try to write every story until I make this ship into shore.
This phase feel like I am in the middle of ocean. I am scare to sink, because I cant swim.
I believe that I can repair what is lose and hope I can reach shore. even it just a little hope, I keep trying to make this ship float in the middle of ocean.
I am scare, but I also dont want to lose any hope on it.
It may broken, and I am all alone in this road and journey.
But, I am gonna be OK.
When I am hungry, I can try to catch some fish in the ocean.
When I am tired, I just need to stop and enjoy the air in the ocean.
Slowly, not forcing everything anymore.
Slowly, I trust myself, that I can make it to the shore.
