What about today ? Nothing special.
I cannot sleep well, still using some sleeping pill because I dont know, I am worried but I am not that worried. Its kinda like the fase that I know will happen and I just be like, “ah, it is what it is.”
Its the same every week and month, and nothing really change, except me, who decided to not do anything anymore and try to live my life even its hard and scary. Aku benaran gak ingin menambah list yang sudah ada, dan berharap there is a way for me to do better and become better each day.
Its a hope, and wishing for miracle isnt hurt, isnt it ?
Bersyukur ketika hari ini masih bisa menikmati makanan diatas meja walaupun isi kulkas sudah mulai menipis, atau sangat tipis. Bersyukur karena masih bangun pagi dan memiliki secerca harapan meskipun tipis. Pada akhirnya, we dont know what will happen in the next hours or day or month or years, isnt it ?
Its gonna be the end ?
Or its something that will become more better in future ?
Stay strong, as always.
I am in this circle for almost 5 years, and its gonna be something that will work out ? or its gonna be something that is gonna kill me sooner ?
I dont know which one it is but I truly believe that my future is depend on God. Long before He create me, He already plan about my life and everything. I am worried as a human, but in the end, I still can pass every month even I dont see a hope and light. I just pass get through it all, and its all because of God.
Old parent, a lot of shit to be done, and how to survive. Its all feel so hard to be swallow. Keep regret for the past ? Yah, semua orang bakalan begitu, but I try my very hard not to think about it. Walaupun kadang iblis suka datang dan membuat aku kembali menyesali masalalu, I really want to get through it once and for all.
Its torture me long enough and I know it just make me cant move foward and be better.
I know that I am keep doing the same mistake, over and over and over again. I am so tired too about it.
I have nobody to talk about the true, and I hate every lies that I create this far.
I really want this Christmas will be a different for me, the momment I can feel peace, I can see new hope and begin again as a human, as a special person that God create with a lot of purpose too.
Each day, I am sit in front of computer. Pretend I am working but I just do nothing at all. Am I ?
My blog didnt get adsense yet because I am late paying them that cause I lose the ads, I re-requested it and got rejected. Its so painfull but..
Its the real happen, so just want to keep going for now.
I am so mess up, I am torn into piece and I dont know how to glue myself. God, please put every piece of myself and make it to be whole again. I am so tired, I am a mess and .. I just hate myself more and more each day but still try as hard as I can to survive.
