Can I crying in here ?
Can I ??
When nobody here can see me crying ?
Oh, no ! I keep everything inside.
All I feel, I keep everything inside.
Why there is so damn hard for me to have a peace day ?
I am mad and I am sad and I am full of pain. You can’t see that in my face because I am too good to keep everything inside myself. I put a big cage for my monster and I can’t take it any longer anymore.
I love to be at home.
I live with my parent and I have 1 brother.
But, I spending almost all my time outside the home.
Why ?
You think I am rich and love to be outside ??
Because I am just a little girl that will cry everytimes I see my parent get into a fight.
Since I was a kid, I always see them fight.
I see my dad hit my mom, I see my mom stole from dad.
They’re not normal like other married people. Mom and dad try to keep living with their own money.
They didn’t share money and they work for their own money and live.
Having 2 kid didn’t make any different about it and what is worse than that ?
They even not want to divorces !
Start from little girl until I am old enough to make money and do my own living. I still stay with them and more day, more I saw them fight. Loud voice, stubborn and can’t be tell what is good or bad.
My mom changes a lot since the last time she out from hospital.
She have her little imaginary friend and delucional.
She often forget what she say and doing and everything that she does, she always right !
When you try to tell her ?
You’re on a wrong side, baby !
She get mad and she get emosional. And I just can’t take it any much longer.
I must live on my own space and get started my own life far away from them.
It’s like toxic family and it’s not good for my future as well.
It’s not mean I didn’t love them.
Because I love them too much and I can’t take it anymore, that is why the best ways to get rid of it is being far away.
I never try it but I absolutely will do it on my 30 !
I know I already too old and wise enough to start my own life.
I can try to sleep alone and I must try to do everything alone.
I also wonder,
Why it is so hard for me to have everything that easy ?
Why I am born in this place for the first time ?
What happen when I am never born and how good I am because I can keep everything inside me ??
I just wonder and wonder,
I just keep everything inside me and I never want to show my monster to anyone else.
But, when I am totally alone.
I think I will let my monster out and I am become the real me.
