I spend a lot of time outside home.
I wanna at home but there is always a same story that my mom talking. About a girl and that make me feel bad to listen about it.
But, every night I wanna go to sleep. In the same room. That hate feeling always come when I saw my brother didn’t sleep soon and keep watching. He make sound and make mom can’t sleep well like she must too.
Nobody to blame.
It just my self that cannot do anything to fix that.
More I grow up, more she grow old.
Our age is not same anymore.
She not going outside alone anymore,
And everytimes I went out with her, she hardly to walk too long because her foot is hurt.
When she wanna go to bathroom, she look so sad.
It just me or it is true, she look old, without enough sleep and proper life. Working since she was a kid and never have a good life ever.
Maybe I should..
Yeah, I should spending more time with her.
Too busy went outside just to sit alone, didn’t do anything worth and ..
This is me hating at home so much.
I dont know why but I just hate it.
Because I hate my self more than anything else.
Being in same place,
Doing the same mistake again and again.
I know that was wrong but I keep doing that for 1 word that people say, ‘survive’
I always imagine when someone find out what I am doing. I will end up.
I cannot see my mom getting old and … is that what I really wanted ?
I see a lot of my old friend, look happy.
Already married, have a cute kid.
Have a good job and good life.
And happy family.
I remember when I was a kid and mom always took me out for something.
Playing card, borrow money and stuff.
With umbrella in her hand to keep us from sun. We walking mill away together for some ice cream.
When the first time I finished my school and starting my job. I still hang out with her to have some dinner or went out to buy something.
And more I grow, more I forget how to do that because there is a lot of things that I wanna do alone.
I can’t let her know all my pain.
Because it will make her sad and thinking a lot about me.
I always share everything in my personal blog because they’re a good listener and they understand every word that I put on it.
She love to eat a lot and getting fat.
She never went out home because covid and that was also sad.
Wanna hang with her but didn’t know what to do or else.
Maybe…
I must open my eyes and trying do something much better before I regret things lately.
Every night,
She hardly to sleep because brother that can’t or won’t understand what other need.
What can I do ??
Mad ??
Scream ??
Nothing like that would bring good for us.
I wanna talk about her a lot, even it was the same story everyday.
I wanna to write about her because there is the only thing that I can do, even I know she never read it,
I wanna to remember her like she remember me everyday.
because my mom is my true love and hero.
Even there is also a lot of mistake.
Ah.
Let me remember everything of her and keep it on my mind.
I know maybe right now I just a girl who try to chase dream.
But, I will make my dream come true.
Because I am a Writer !
I can make it happen and I believe on it.
Her age may plus and plus.
So let my dream grow and grow.
Until the day that every hard work will pay off.
I really hope mom stay healty and can see my dream become something that she will proud of.
